November 14, 2019
Before: Though science is valuable and should be held in high regards, the arts should be held to the same standards given their importance in understanding the self and all the emotions that come with the self. In “Necessary Edges: Art, Empathy, and Education”, Ma stresses the importance of STEAM education in schools. Not necessarily more classes for the arts, but more importance placed on how useful they are. In Ma’s essay, he says “integrative awareness is especially important today as our steichen-driven, technologically advanced world is breaking down into ever more compartments, specializations and disciplines- even as the interdependence of globalization is creating more links with other cultures through which empathetic understanding is vital.” Even though science is taking us in new and exciting directions- like different treatments for anxiety- without art, our society would be cold and too bright. In this manner, art is needed to show that anxiety is not a bunch of symptoms like increased heart rate, dilated pupils, perspiring skin, etc., but something so deeply rooted in emotion that we cannot fully comprehend it through textbooks alone. In “Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?”, Lewis tells the journey of Jake and Jillian, two severely anxious teenagers who were check into Mountain Valley- a nonprofit program that costs over eight hundred dollars per day- as a last resort treatment for their anxiety. Though each patient has an individualized treatment plan, one of the facility’s main programs is their art therapy. Through the patient’s use of art as a way to express their inner turmoil, the anxiety can be temporarily relieved, allowing them to move through the progression of battling their anxiety.
After: Science is valuable and should be held in high regards, arts should be held to the same standards given their importance in understanding the self and all the emotions that come with the self. In “Necessary Edges: Art, Empathy, and Education”, Ma stresses the importance of STEAM education . Not more classes for the arts, but more importance placed on how useful they are. In Ma’s essay, he says “integrative awareness is especially important today as our steichen-driven, technologically advanced world is breaking down into ever more compartments, specializations and disciplines- even as the interdependence of globalization is creating more links with other cultures through which empathetic understanding is vital.” Though science is taking us in new directions- like different treatments for anxiety- without art, our society would be cold. In this manner, art is needed to show that anxiety is not symptoms, but something deeply rooted in emotion. In “Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?”, Lewis tells the journey of Jake and Jillian, two severely anxious teenagers who were checked into Mountain Valley as a last resort treatment for their anxiety. One of the facility’s main programs is their art therapy. Through the patient’s use of art, the anxiety can be temporarily relieved, allowing them to move through the battle with their anxiety.
You made some interesting changes. Make sure that every sentence has a subject (what the sentence is about or who or what performs the action). I noticed a few sentences were missing this information.