November 5, 2019
Overall, you have a decent essay. I can clearly see your ideas and how you want to support them, but I’m a little lost in the where you are supporting them. The organization of this essay is a little rough. Some sentences are almost a mini paragraph by themselves, while others are incomplete and could be joined with other sentences to make one thought. Throughout each paragraph, you connect your sentences with the main idea of that paragraph, which is great! However, especially in your last paragraph, you make your point, progress forward in your sentences, but then you go back to your last thought when you should keep moving forward. I do enjoy the thoughts you have behind this paper, I agree that society needs to change how we teach kids about art and science in school and how we treat them in society.
Your 150-word note offers some incredibly specific advice on how your peer can better organize their essay. That’s great! Unfortunately, I can’t enlarge your comments to remark on them. Make sure that you check up the “Link to Media” option when you upload these images.